What Your Heart Makes
by D-Tepes
Summary: Xander celebrates an anniversary and mourns those he's lost.


Title: What Your Heart Makes  
Author: Drake Tepes  
Ratings: Eh, early teenish.  
Warnings: Some.  
Summary: Xander celebrates an anniversary and mourns those he's lost.  
Author's Notes: This is what happens when I'm "in a funk" and now you all suffer with me.

* * *

Legs kicked back and forth over the expanse of the sinkhole. Fingers let an empty bottle of whiskey slide through to crash on the rubble below, joining earlier bottles. A hand closed around a full bottle of whiskey and soon it's cap fell. A bit of the amber liquid splashed, hitting the hand as the bottle met lips.

Xander had been sitting at the edge of the Sunnydale Crater since the sun had come up and it was now casting a long shadow on the ground. He had wanted to be here last year for this but he was still in Africa when the day came and went. Now, freed of those responsibilities, he sat at the lip of the crater and drank toast after toast to a life he let slip through his fingers. It had gone the way of the empty bottle.

He pinpointed this date as a day he made the biggest mistake of his life. A day where his cowardice was at an all time high and he threw away his future. Three years ago this day Xander had left Anya at the altar.

He couldn't help but think of the life he could have had with her. Not the lies her victim had shown him, but a real life. He knew it wouldn't have been perfect but it would have been real. He had imagined the life, little imperfections and moments of beauty, in detail since that day.

He sat alone drinking to the life he lost with Anya. To the memory of her, and their love. And to the memory of another woman he had loved.

He had taken news of Cordelia's death hard. That news opened up wounds he hadn't dealt with about Anya. The loss of two such amazing women he loved almost broke him.

He replayed little moments of them over and over. Funny things they'd done, fights they'd had. He missed them both and in the end knew he'd do anything to have them back. And if he couldn't do that…

He knew she was standing behind him before she sat next to him. He didn't protest when her hand pulled the bottle from his grasp and sent it into the crater. He turned his head and looked at Buffy as she pulled her knees to her chest and set her head on them, looking back at him.

"Are you okay, Xander?"

Xander turned his head and looked into the crater. He didn't say anything for a moment, before quietly letting slip. "…no."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Xander shook his head. "I feel like I should be down there."

Buffy put an arm around him, pulling him close to her. "She wouldn't want that. Maybe at the beginning, but she changed. You changed her and made her better and who she became wouldn't want you to be there with her."

"Maybe. But that's what I've been doing. Kept drinking and hoping for the courage to join her. If I really loved her, I'd be down there wouldn't I? That's love."

"You'd live a happy life for her Xander. You've picked me up so many times when I've been down. Let me help you this time. Just think what she'd honestly want."

Xander was silent for a moment before he reached into a pocket and pulled out three objects. The top two were pictures. One of the photos was of him and Anya smiling and second was of Cordelia. The last pictures he had of either, and all that he'd had in his wallet. "I'm still here and they're not, Buffy."

"I don't know what to say Xander. Maybe Willow should have come, but after all you've helped me. I owe you so much Xander, and I can't lose you. Please?"

"I won't jump Buffy, I promise. I just… I miss them all, so many people we've lost."

"I know. But we have memories, don't we? I don't think mine will fade anytime soon."

"I won't let mine fade," Xander said with conviction.

"Good. I don't know what I'd do without my Xander-shaped friend."

"I'm sure you'd be just fine Buffy."

"Not without you, not without all of you. Sometimes… sometimes I dream I'm alone. Those are always the scariest."

"You shouldn't be afraid, Buff. Even if we were gone, we'd still be with you." Xander pulled her close and gave her a hug. They sat there silently for a few minutes before Xander broke the silence. "I had a dream last night Buffy."

"It's not one that's going to make me want to hit you, is it?"

"No. I dreamt that I was the one who didn't make it out of the school and that Anya survived and had a long and happy life. And Cordelia..." Xander trailed off. He looked behind Buffy and frowned. "And Cordelia was at peace."

Buffy felt something behind her and spun around to see a familiar blue skinned demon standing there. She twisted back around to look at Xander in horror as he spoke. "I wish it were real."

"Done."


End file.
